The worst news

My Dad had been having some pains in his back for a while, and then he started having pains in his stomache. If he ate, it seemed to act up. So he was trying to cut different foods out of his diet and he was trying to stretch and strengthen his back to see if it would help. He also went and saw a chiropractor. Nothing was helping, and it was getting worse. He wasnt able to sleep at night because of the pain. He finally went in and tried to be a little more insistent that something was wrong and he wanted answers. They drew blood and everything looked fine. once they finally took an ultra sound and mri on him they found that he had cancer. January 11th My Dad was called into the doctor and they asked that my Mom come with him. (We knew then that it wasnt good news). My Dad and Mom went in and recieved the news that he had cancer- in his panchreas, liver, and lungs. He was told if he started Chemo he might have anywhere from 1 year to 5 years. If he didnt start Chemo they said he could have about 6 months left. I remember this day perfectyl. I was at my parents house feeding the two younger boys some lunch in between running some errands. So I happened to be at their house when they got home from the doctor. I could tell that they had bad news- my Moms eyes were red and her makeup was washed away. My Dad was very somber, he walked in the door and I looked at them and im sure I looked scared and all my Dad said to me was "I'm sorry honey, I dont have good news for you" I don't know why I didnt grab my Dad and hold him and cry, but for whatever reason my Mom and I embraced and cried. My Dad walked straight into the dining room and sat infront of the highchair that Jed was sitting in and just held his little feet while he was eating his lunch and cried. That day will forever be a terrible day to remember. I knew how scared my Dad was with the news he recieved, but he was trying so hard to be strong and brave for his family, who was also very scared. the next couple weeks are a big blur after we all recieved the news. It was a lot of doctor visits and a lot of phone calls to other facilities in Utah to see if they had any studies he could participate in. unfortunately there weren't any studies for him to participate in. He didn't want to do Chemo- but he did because he wanted all of his family to know that he gave an honest fight to his sickness. Little did we know, his Chemo treatments took him from us faster than if he would have done no treatments at all. Treatments made him very sick. He already couldn't eat before he started treatments, but it made it even worse-to the point where he was only able to eat ice chips and occasionally would choke down a cup of tea. He so badly wanted to eat, and would often tell us how good shrimp tacos sounded to him. He tried to choke down everything imaginable but he couldn't keep anything down. It was very hard to watch him go from working everyday (walking around a big warehouse helping costumers) to sitting at home in his recliner with multiple layers on under a heating blanket barely able to get up to use the bathroom. He also couldn't handle smells and it hurt him to be touched. When we all recieved this news we thought we would have at least a year to be able to say goodbyes and to spend quality time with him, even if it was him in a chair sick, talking to us. But only 6 weeks later he went on hospice. Alese Jeff and I went to their house one evening to talk with them and they told us that Dad had decided to be put on Hospice. He refused to be put into a hospital (and looking back- he was clearly guided in his decisions) him being on hospice allowed him to leave this world in the comfort of his home with his family surrounding him. I had the priviledge of being at my Dads side when he left this earth. It was a long 2 days of him laying in bed on morphine, he would be restless and would toss and turn and cough. He told my Mom at one point that it was too bright and too loud, after that we dimmed the lights and tried to be as quiet as possible in there with him. My brother Jeff had the opportunity to help my Dad off the ground a couple different times and help him get situated back in bed, Alese had the opportunity to cut his hair one last time for him in his classic Alan Flat-top, and I had the opportunity to clip his fingernails for him. I cant hardly clip a fingernail anymore without thinking of my Dads hands. Dad passed away on a Sunday afternoon. It was heartbreaking. I miss my Dad so so much, it hurts. The next week of funeral planning was difficult and exhausting. There were so many things that needed done and decisions to be made that I wasnt ready to make yet. I was cranky and I feel bad to my siblings and Mom for that. But exhaustion set in and the painful truth that Dad was gone was becoming more and more real. I think the thing that is the hardest is that from the day we found out to the day that he passed away was only about 6 weeks and it seems like I am still trying to process everything. It happened too fast. I have a big hole in my heart and my life without my Dad here. I miss so many things about him. But I know that I will be with him again and that brings a small amount of comfort that I can hold onto.

My Dads brothers and Mark and Jeff and Spencer came over to give him a blessing before chemo. I remember all my Dad told my Uncle Brad was that "I just want a fighting chance".